The Laminated Book of Dreams

Here we go again...

In an effort to get back to my writing I thought I'd restart the blog.

 

Now then, what's happened since I last wrote something here... well I finished my course at uni.

Managed to get a job in the dental technology world - and my boss turned into a total loon and freaked out at tme over some cardboard box issue.

Haven't been fencing much but that's about to change as I'm getting back into training due to my new location and vocation!

've moved up to Bristol - Portishead to be precise - and work is totally un tooth related but better paid :) and i get to sit on my ass all day - awesome!

 

So all in all life is pretty cool right now - all i need is something to moan about and the blog will be interesting again!

I could go on about the shocking driving of all native Bristolians, but right now I cant really be bothered and I shall save my rants to be created at dull moments at work.

 

Hi to all the peeps who remember me and my three regular readers :P

see you soon... and maybe Wongle will appear sometime soon.

Love, peace and sausage rolls.

 

Oh I was in a band for a bit this summer - check out our space: http://www.myspace.com/demonstrationsofhighervalue

 

Need a new band btw - if you're in Bristol and need a blues/rock guitarist leave me a message!

When I went home the other day I found several chapters of a book I started to write whilst I was working at the council last year... seems like a lifetime ago... but anyway, here's the introduction which is more or less totally unrelated to the rest of the book.

 

Enjoy.... or don't... your choice. 

 

The Adventures of Dave: 

 

Chapter One

It was a nice day. But then it’s always a nice day on Bartelscue, the third planet in the Drongo system. Drongonians are very proud of Bartelscue, not because of its beautiful deserts, luscious forests or enormous (yet very tastefully done) hotel resorts and not even because of their extreme cuisine ‘Lukoshi’ which they have recently had accepted as a Galympian event. It’s because they know how to control tourists.

 

In the entirety of existence they are the only race who know how tourists should be treated and have fully mastered the technique.

They have a few simple rules.

 

1: Never, ever, ever feed the Qunk birds. A type of scavenging flying rat, which by rights should live on the local seafood which it can catch itself extremely well. But given the chance, flies into the local harbour and port areas throughout Bartelscue and steals food and the occasional baby from locals and tourists alike. They’re not welcomed into civilised areas because they aren’t pretty – it’s because they’re evil little sods who should stay as far away from the mainland as possible.

 

2: Elderly tourists have a 5 mph minimum speed of travelling. They may slow down gradually, displaying the appropriate manoeuvre signals, but breach of this law by means of the ‘sudden stop’ entitles them to be roughly thrown to the floor and immediately disintegrated. An ancient bylaw also states the any old ladies blocking the entire pavement whilst rummaging through her wheeled bag can be instantly fed to the Qunks.

 

3: Never, on any occasions get roaring drunk and vomit in the street. Vomiting is, by some freak chance of a stomach upset, allowed. As is getting roaring drunk for whatever reason you so desire. But, alcohol induced vomiting carries the death penalty, to be carried out once and only once the hangover is complete and the offending person has become fully aware of their predicament.

 

4: Listening to House Music of any kind will result in an immediate acid bath.

 

But the process must work both ways. The Drongonians offer only the finest in service and goods and the market stall holders are rigorously, but fairly investigated. There are no tacky painted shells, incredibly highly priced ornaments, rock, tours, beaches littered with drunken locals, absolutely no fighting in public, no naff t-shirt shops, no stalls selling ‘genuine leather’, no sarcastic, lazy, unmotivated staff sniffing for tips they haven’t earned - only quality products which people will be genuinely happy to receive as gifts when you (hopefully) return from your holiday and the finest service you could ever imagine.

 

This is probably why Bartelscue has inadvertently become the Extreme Sports Capital of the Known Universe.

 

Or story starts here, or rather it doesn’t. The actually story proper starts elsewhere entirely, it’s actually pissing down with rain there, but I thought it’d be nice to start somewhere where it was a nice day. 

Body clock offically screwed beyond any recognition!

 

And I'm also going to fulfil my first act as an offical old man today (when i finally wake up). I'm going down to see the woman who is in charge of the halls and bitch my arse off about the tossbag who lives upstairs and plays wanky dance music at 4.45 in the morning. And all day.

I'll try the official channels first...

and then if he/she doesnt turn that shite of... I'll break his kneecaps. If it's a her... i'll let them off lightly by throwing them down the stairs.

 

It was once said that civilisation is only three meals away from anarchy... I say it's a month living beneath a dance music junky who doesnt freaking sleep!

 

Room C201. I'm coming for you....

I'm awake. I went to bed about 1am. My bed was very, very comfy.

I just couldn't sleep dammit.

Eventually I got up to find something to do until I pass out with exhaustion.

I went to the kitchen and made toast... it was nice.

I went back to my room... and sat for a bit.

I contemplated writing a whole new chapter about Wongle vs the Jelly Eating Hippos of Doom but decided it was for another time.

I did a few random goodle searches.

Found this which made me chuckle: http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~jimg/reading/bored.html

 

I wrote a joke (if you've ever been a croupier you'll understand)

How many poker players does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

One to actually do it and nine to bitch about how they could've done it if they hadn't thrown away their lightbulb.

Tossers.

 

One more week of lectures this year... hardly seems worth giving up work, selling van and moving up north really!

This foundation year has been, to put it bluntly, too fucking easy. Not once has it pushed my abilities. I've enjoyed it certainly.. but it just needs to be more hardcore. I'll most likely regret saying that next year when I never see the light of day for being in a lab... heh.

 

Two exams to go.. both which will have finished by 4th May which leaves me with nothing to do except get a full tiem job for the summer. Ace :)

Oh and I've already passed one of these modules and need..uh... 3% in the other one.

At the moment I feel this year has been a bit of a waste of time, but I suspect I will feel the benefits of it next year.

 

Haven't fenced since the MOFT... which pisses me off. SO skint I can't afford the bus fare there and back twice a week. Hey ho.

I'm doing thai boxing again to keep in shape - which I love .

 

Got that 'in limbo' feeling again at the moment... just want to get on with my degree.. I'm sick of just waiting around and I'm not getting any younger. Need some kind of boost... something to get my motivation running again.

 

Hmmm... need chocolate.

And wine.

 

 

2. Your spouse/significant other?
ummmm....

3. Your hair?
longish...

4. Your mother?
What about her?

5. Your father?
Could you ask something abit more specific?

6. Your favorite item?
A twelve inched ribbed knobbler I once fished out of a canal...

7. Your dream last night?
Large... mongoose...inflatable... pancake.. that's all I can remember.

8. Your favorite drink?
Mmmm fresh coffee... and jack daniels.. not at the same time.

9. Your dream car?
Free insurance, free tax, good fuel consumption, never breaks down and has a bed in the back.

10. The room you are in?
My poxy student matchbox

11. Schooling?
Yes. Lots of it. The finest money can buy. Which is why I'm back at uni at the age of 28.

12. Your Fear?
Well, you've seen fight club. Ending up like with Tyler Durden in my head. 

13.What do you want to be in 10 years?
Successful, happy and have enough money to get the car serviced when it's supposed to be serviced.

Oh and be the best at what I do...

14. Who did you hang out with last night?

99 of Manchester's finest poker players.

15. What you're not?
A pikey

16. Muffins?

No no no.. just give me a buttered crumpet. 

17. One of your wish list items?
Winning lottery ticket

18. Time?
00.08

19. The last thing you did?
Question 18.

20. What are you wearing?
boxers and tshirt - I know.. I'm classy

21. Your favorite weather?
Big bloody thunderstorms!

22. Your favorite book?
 Ooooh that's a tough one... The Belgariad series by David Eddings.. not great but reminds me of growing up at the rouighy the same age as the main character. Awww such tender childhood memories.

23. The last thing you ate?
oh it was foul. tuna, canned toms, spinach, corn and curry powder. I'm skint.

24. Your life?
As excting as a barrel of eels which have just been fed.

25. Your mood?
Chillaxed.

26. Your best friend?
I have many naturally...

27. What are you thinking about right now?
question 27...

28. Your car? 

<snuffle> i had to sell my lovely little van for uni
 

29. What are you doing at the moment?
juggling msn converstions, watching Million Dollar Baby and proofreading an essay.

Oh yes I'm the only male multitasker in the world.

30. Your summer?
What of it? I shall probably remian locked in the bowels of the casino to pay for next years uni fees.

31. Your title?
That's 'Sir' to you

32. What is on your TV?
My tv does not exist...

33. The weather?
shite

34. When is the last time you laughed?
about a minute ago 

35. Last time you cried?
Ummm..... when I had to eat my dinner

 

And that's it. What a load of toss. :)