Here we go again...

In an effort to get back to my writing I thought I'd restart the blog.

 

Now then, what's happened since I last wrote something here... well I finished my course at uni.

Managed to get a job in the dental technology world - and my boss turned into a total loon and freaked out at tme over some cardboard box issue.

Haven't been fencing much but that's about to change as I'm getting back into training due to my new location and vocation!

've moved up to Bristol - Portishead to be precise - and work is totally un tooth related but better paid :) and i get to sit on my ass all day - awesome!

 

So all in all life is pretty cool right now - all i need is something to moan about and the blog will be interesting again!

I could go on about the shocking driving of all native Bristolians, but right now I cant really be bothered and I shall save my rants to be created at dull moments at work.

 

Hi to all the peeps who remember me and my three regular readers :P

see you soon... and maybe Wongle will appear sometime soon.

Love, peace and sausage rolls.

 

Oh I was in a band for a bit this summer - check out our space: http://www.myspace.com/demonstrationsofhighervalue

 

Need a new band btw - if you're in Bristol and need a blues/rock guitarist leave me a message!

When I went home the other day I found several chapters of a book I started to write whilst I was working at the council last year... seems like a lifetime ago... but anyway, here's the introduction which is more or less totally unrelated to the rest of the book.

 

Enjoy.... or don't... your choice. 

 

The Adventures of Dave: 

 

Chapter One

It was a nice day. But then it’s always a nice day on Bartelscue, the third planet in the Drongo system. Drongonians are very proud of Bartelscue, not because of its beautiful deserts, luscious forests or enormous (yet very tastefully done) hotel resorts and not even because of their extreme cuisine ‘Lukoshi’ which they have recently had accepted as a Galympian event. It’s because they know how to control tourists.

 

In the entirety of existence they are the only race who know how tourists should be treated and have fully mastered the technique.

They have a few simple rules.

 

1: Never, ever, ever feed the Qunk birds. A type of scavenging flying rat, which by rights should live on the local seafood which it can catch itself extremely well. But given the chance, flies into the local harbour and port areas throughout Bartelscue and steals food and the occasional baby from locals and tourists alike. They’re not welcomed into civilised areas because they aren’t pretty – it’s because they’re evil little sods who should stay as far away from the mainland as possible.

 

2: Elderly tourists have a 5 mph minimum speed of travelling. They may slow down gradually, displaying the appropriate manoeuvre signals, but breach of this law by means of the ‘sudden stop’ entitles them to be roughly thrown to the floor and immediately disintegrated. An ancient bylaw also states the any old ladies blocking the entire pavement whilst rummaging through her wheeled bag can be instantly fed to the Qunks.

 

3: Never, on any occasions get roaring drunk and vomit in the street. Vomiting is, by some freak chance of a stomach upset, allowed. As is getting roaring drunk for whatever reason you so desire. But, alcohol induced vomiting carries the death penalty, to be carried out once and only once the hangover is complete and the offending person has become fully aware of their predicament.

 

4: Listening to House Music of any kind will result in an immediate acid bath.

 

But the process must work both ways. The Drongonians offer only the finest in service and goods and the market stall holders are rigorously, but fairly investigated. There are no tacky painted shells, incredibly highly priced ornaments, rock, tours, beaches littered with drunken locals, absolutely no fighting in public, no naff t-shirt shops, no stalls selling ‘genuine leather’, no sarcastic, lazy, unmotivated staff sniffing for tips they haven’t earned - only quality products which people will be genuinely happy to receive as gifts when you (hopefully) return from your holiday and the finest service you could ever imagine.

 

This is probably why Bartelscue has inadvertently become the Extreme Sports Capital of the Known Universe.

 

Or story starts here, or rather it doesn’t. The actually story proper starts elsewhere entirely, it’s actually pissing down with rain there, but I thought it’d be nice to start somewhere where it was a nice day. 

Body clock offically screwed beyond any recognition!

 

And I'm also going to fulfil my first act as an offical old man today (when i finally wake up). I'm going down to see the woman who is in charge of the halls and bitch my arse off about the tossbag who lives upstairs and plays wanky dance music at 4.45 in the morning. And all day.

I'll try the official channels first...

and then if he/she doesnt turn that shite of... I'll break his kneecaps. If it's a her... i'll let them off lightly by throwing them down the stairs.

 

It was once said that civilisation is only three meals away from anarchy... I say it's a month living beneath a dance music junky who doesnt freaking sleep!

 

Room C201. I'm coming for you....

I'm awake. I went to bed about 1am. My bed was very, very comfy.

I just couldn't sleep dammit.

Eventually I got up to find something to do until I pass out with exhaustion.

I went to the kitchen and made toast... it was nice.

I went back to my room... and sat for a bit.

I contemplated writing a whole new chapter about Wongle vs the Jelly Eating Hippos of Doom but decided it was for another time.

I did a few random goodle searches.

Found this which made me chuckle: http://www.cs.earlham.edu/~jimg/reading/bored.html

 

I wrote a joke (if you've ever been a croupier you'll understand)

How many poker players does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

One to actually do it and nine to bitch about how they could've done it if they hadn't thrown away their lightbulb.

Tossers.

 

One more week of lectures this year... hardly seems worth giving up work, selling van and moving up north really!

This foundation year has been, to put it bluntly, too fucking easy. Not once has it pushed my abilities. I've enjoyed it certainly.. but it just needs to be more hardcore. I'll most likely regret saying that next year when I never see the light of day for being in a lab... heh.

 

Two exams to go.. both which will have finished by 4th May which leaves me with nothing to do except get a full tiem job for the summer. Ace :)

Oh and I've already passed one of these modules and need..uh... 3% in the other one.

At the moment I feel this year has been a bit of a waste of time, but I suspect I will feel the benefits of it next year.

 

Haven't fenced since the MOFT... which pisses me off. SO skint I can't afford the bus fare there and back twice a week. Hey ho.

I'm doing thai boxing again to keep in shape - which I love .

 

Got that 'in limbo' feeling again at the moment... just want to get on with my degree.. I'm sick of just waiting around and I'm not getting any younger. Need some kind of boost... something to get my motivation running again.

 

Hmmm... need chocolate.

And wine.

 

 

2. Your spouse/significant other?
ummmm....

3. Your hair?
longish...

4. Your mother?
What about her?

5. Your father?
Could you ask something abit more specific?

6. Your favorite item?
A twelve inched ribbed knobbler I once fished out of a canal...

7. Your dream last night?
Large... mongoose...inflatable... pancake.. that's all I can remember.

8. Your favorite drink?
Mmmm fresh coffee... and jack daniels.. not at the same time.

9. Your dream car?
Free insurance, free tax, good fuel consumption, never breaks down and has a bed in the back.

10. The room you are in?
My poxy student matchbox

11. Schooling?
Yes. Lots of it. The finest money can buy. Which is why I'm back at uni at the age of 28.

12. Your Fear?
Well, you've seen fight club. Ending up like with Tyler Durden in my head. 

13.What do you want to be in 10 years?
Successful, happy and have enough money to get the car serviced when it's supposed to be serviced.

Oh and be the best at what I do...

14. Who did you hang out with last night?

99 of Manchester's finest poker players.

15. What you're not?
A pikey

16. Muffins?

No no no.. just give me a buttered crumpet. 

17. One of your wish list items?
Winning lottery ticket

18. Time?
00.08

19. The last thing you did?
Question 18.

20. What are you wearing?
boxers and tshirt - I know.. I'm classy

21. Your favorite weather?
Big bloody thunderstorms!

22. Your favorite book?
 Ooooh that's a tough one... The Belgariad series by David Eddings.. not great but reminds me of growing up at the rouighy the same age as the main character. Awww such tender childhood memories.

23. The last thing you ate?
oh it was foul. tuna, canned toms, spinach, corn and curry powder. I'm skint.

24. Your life?
As excting as a barrel of eels which have just been fed.

25. Your mood?
Chillaxed.

26. Your best friend?
I have many naturally...

27. What are you thinking about right now?
question 27...

28. Your car? 

<snuffle> i had to sell my lovely little van for uni
 

29. What are you doing at the moment?
juggling msn converstions, watching Million Dollar Baby and proofreading an essay.

Oh yes I'm the only male multitasker in the world.

30. Your summer?
What of it? I shall probably remian locked in the bowels of the casino to pay for next years uni fees.

31. Your title?
That's 'Sir' to you

32. What is on your TV?
My tv does not exist...

33. The weather?
shite

34. When is the last time you laughed?
about a minute ago 

35. Last time you cried?
Ummm..... when I had to eat my dinner

 

And that's it. What a load of toss. :)

Oh my god.

I have never felt so much pain the day after a fencing competition.

I swear I've pulled the entire right hand side of my body. Ugh.

Hey, it was worth every ache and twinge :)

 

Resutls on the link to the right ---> somewhere... i've got the dodgy video of me being knocked out in the semi-final by eventual winner and clubmate Greg, which I may or may not upload to youtube sometime soon...ish.

 

While I'm here I'd like to talk a bit about Youtube.

And why they're total scumbags.

 

I've been subscribed to this fella here : Mordeth13 (now Moredth13 ) for some time now and they've just banned him for, well, speaking the truth really.

How uncommon of the human race.

He's made some awesome videos... usually motorbike, stray dog or taiwan related anyway, check them out as I've said before and then if you have a youtube account.. switch over to livevideo.com where you can find his latest vids: http://www.livevideo.com/mordeth13

Anyway if you want ot check out the full story go to youtube and search for 'mordeth13 banned' or something like that.

Genuinely entertaining guy. I recommend any of his vids. :) go watch, it's not your average web log bollocks.

 

 

 

Right..

Whoever it is who keeps searching for NAKED GIRLS in the Baidu search engine and then getting this site... bugger off!

Go and use a proper porn website.

Tosser.

Literally.

 

What's happened recently? Hmmm. Well I've just been to see Rocky Balboa which was ok as a film but as a pretty damn big Rocky fan I'd have to say it was bloody brilliant. I've never heard an audience start clapping in a cinema before. Awesome!

 

NAKED GIRLS!!! Not here you chump. Get a life.

 

Oh yes, and I've started working in the casino properly... no more laid back, chilled out, two hour training session.

I'm dealing poker to hard nosed, ugly, smelly,mean poker players for seven hours until 3 in the morning. It's about as much fun as it sounds. Although give it a month or two and I'll have mastered it.... easy money.... eventually. May look at going on a cruise ship for the summer whcih would finance my uni fees next year. Hmmm.

 

NAKED GIRLS!!! You are such a bum. Go on... get out.

I mean.. if that's what you want to find on the net, what kind of incompetent ends up here? A child of three could probably find a site which has, I dunno, sex with goats on it or something - but not end up here! Muppet.

I mean come on.. search for something a bit more exotic at least... I mean searching for NAKED GIRLS... it's like asking for baked beans on tiast when you could have Pan-Fried Foie Gras with Carrot and Cumin Puree, Caramel Foam and Balsamic Jus instead. GO on.. do a search for something with baby oil involved or something. Jeez. What an amateur... actually there's an idea... search for amateur naked girls instead... you could probably do with some variety.

 

Might be off to Buxton tomorrow for fun and frolics... and possibly makeup. Who knows... it's a crazy place to go. :P

 

NAKED GIRLS. Go on... fuck off.

 

(That's not directed at you my three loyal readers by the way - just Baidu NAKED GIRLS freak person out there)

 

 

 

Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

Blah blah blah.

 

Had some good news today... have passed the entire year's chemistry already. The only module I was worried about and I'd had it under my belt by the end of the first term... mwuahahahaa! Right. Now for some serious lying about and doing nothing. Well, maybe I'll try for a distinction at the end of the year..hmmm.

 

Also got back my first essay for over ten years... 69%. Dammit... I wanted 70! Ah well.. can't complain eh?

 

Something strange is happening to me... think I'm starting to like Manchester. Although I have highs and lows about the place but I think it may genuinely be growing on me... I dunno.. spoke to Sy last night and we discussed the possibility of me going down there for summer instead of going home. That would be very cool :)

 

Don't really have anything to say today, no boss to complain about, it's a beautiful day, fencing later. Ya know, I think I'm going to do some reading around my subject... ooooh a dental anatomy book! How exciting!

 

Wongle got up and had a cup of tea.

Then went back to bed.

Good Wongle.

Bongo farted.

Naughty Bongo.

 

Men should not use hair straighteners.

Right... on with the anatomy thing. Have a good one people... oh and have a look at the latest drunken studetn photos.

So, you may have seen my bizarre creations which I make in the labs, or you may not have. So as a special treat I've knocked together a bit of a crap video to show what I do when I'm in the lab.

And no.. you may not have those two and a half minutes of your life back. :P

 

You can find it here:

 

Think I might start doing some more videos, hopefully better than this one, involving some of the other aspects of the life of Johnny.

Oh yeah.. one word of warning - the volume is painfully high.

Anyway, I'm off to do... I dunno.. something... only had one lecture today. It's a hard life.

But hey, it's nearly five o'clock all you people at work :P

 

A new entry for a new year.

I have some resolutions:

1) Obtain the six pack (only been working on it for four months so by May it may be done)

2) get up the guts to do a open mic night.. both musically and standup comedy

3) Take better care of my teeth.. eg flossing ugh. I dont want to become my own patient.

4) Back in training seriously... I shall defeat Willis! One day.

5) Drink more water.

6) Streeetch.

 

I'm sure there's more than that... will have to check my diary.

But am going to try and set up some cooking courses for students... I figure I can use my 10+ years in catering to my advantage and teach student show to cook for a reasonable price.

 

Uni is pretty damn dul during the holidays it has to be said. I thought more people would stay here for more of the holidays, but I guess they are wussy little first years. Anyway, Lee and Andre are here as well as Andre's Italian friend. Last night we broke Lee bless him... one and a half pints and he was NOT a well bunny. Oops.

Obviously needs more practise at drinking.

 

Right, what can I moan about?

 

Actually before I start moaning check out this link:   http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=mordeth13  It's a guy called Mordeth13 on Youtube who makes very random, but very entertaining (I think) entries whilst riding his bike around Taiwan. It's addictive though I warn you. If you're a biker or have a dry sense of humour that is... oh and he adopts stray dogs... what a nice fellow, but  he'll tell you he isn't. Check it out. I highly recommend his video on how to make fudge....

He may be drunk. He says f##k a lot more than I've ever known him to. And he's making fudge. Probably drunk.

 

 

Moan.. uh.. um... nope. I got nothing.

Nothing worth discussing with the public that is :P

How strange... I guess now I don't have a job that I hate with a passion I have nothing to talk about. Hmmm.

Oh well..

 

No that's it. Happy New Year! Make it a good one people.

I promise there will be some Wongle sometime soon.

 

 

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

Christmas shopping almost all but done. It's all a bit pokey this year but that's only to be expected when being a wanky, moneyless student.

 

Something bizarre happened yesterday, I was just tidying my cardboard box... I mean bedroom, when my guitar fell over. Nothing major.. it just fell through 90 degrees... vertical to horizontal. It's had much worse... in fact my old one had the boot of the car slammed on it and that still survives! But, to my shock and horror the flippin end fell off!! Totally snapped off! I was so surprised I started laughing.

Unbelievable! Luckily, thanks to a sturdy G-Clamp and some superglue it's back in one piece - not sure how long it'll hold though... but hey, it's playable.

 

Am beginning to feel a small kernel of christmas cheer glowing inside me... only a small one mind you... Manchester doesn't feel christmassy... and it doesn't smell like christmas. If you know what I mean...

Still, off to Maidenhead tomorrow at some godawful time in the morning to spend xmas with family and see the newest member of our family :)

 

Think, I'll take my laptop, just to preserve my sanity. Could be too late already.

 

Ah balls... I have to go and do my washing up...

I know, not the most riveting of blog entries. I may do some Wongle over the Xmas festivites... that'd be nice for you wouldn't it?

Toodles for now and HAPPY XMAS to all 3 of you!!!

Ho ho ho.

I'm here for a bit of a rant today.

 

Went home last weekend and had the best time I've had in ages. And now I'm back in crappy Manchester. I have, thankfully, a large glass of whisky and coke and no reason to get up tomorrow. Hah.

 

I could rant about what's pissing me off, but instead I think I'll mkae a list of my pet hates which I have almost exclusively developed whilst living in Manchester:

1) People who don't say 'Excuse me' when trying to get past you. Ignorant rude tossbags.

2) People who leave doors open. ARRRRGH!

3) People who leave the microwave door open... Sergio.. this means YOU!!! Wouldn't hurt to clean it once in a while either huh?

4) Students. Jesus.. they really have no idea whatsoever. Ugh.

5) High street banks. Bunch of wankers.

6) Group coursework. Rubbish. Total shite.

7) The fact that I'm stuck in education for at least four years before I can earn any real money. I hate being skint.

 

But in contrast to that pretty incomplete list... here's another list of things I like about being in Manchester:

1) £1 a pint at the student union

2) Excellent fencing club down the road

3) I haven't been mugged yet

4) Starbucks with Nat

5) No 8am starts at work any more

6) I have a future and career ahead of me... if all the work doesn't go to china...

7) People think I look under 24

 

Can't be bothered to write any more.... I'm just bummed out at the moment. Maybe I'll write some Wongle soon...

 

Anyway, as John Lennon once said "Instant karma's gonna get ya..."

 

 

Once upon a time...

 

Wongle was bored and feeling a bit lonesome, so he bought a small elephant as a pet.

He took it on walks around the park and chatted to other elephant owners whilst Bongo (for it was his elephants name) chased the pigeons.

Every so often Wongle checked over his shoulder to see if the pesky RSC were going to attempt to steal his elephant, transport it to Australia and turn it into an exotic soup dish.

But they didn't.

Which was nice.

They went home and had a nice cup of tea.

With a sticky bun.

Yum.

I like buns.

Sticky ones especially.

Our those nice looking ones shaped like a finger with icing on.. even pink icing will do.

And as for Mr.Kipling Lemon cakes... delicious. I could eat millions. Especially if slightly chilled. Strange but true.

 

Had a good day in the lab today. Will add photos to show ya my bizarre creations.

Been kinda busy....

Lectures, sleeping, eating, fencing, boxing, aching, washing, mssing around on the internet.

I started this blog when I was very, very bored at work and desperately needed somehting to do. Now it seems like I've got no time.

Funny how quickly life can change.

 

And I think I must point out that A-levels must be getting easier because some of these students are just fucking thick.

I weep for the future of our already soiled country.

I think I'll emigrate.

 

I've discovered I like Skimmed UHT milk.

 

And that I really don't like dancing unless I'm so pissed I don't know who I'm dancing with.

 

Also, I don't like being kicked by some moron who thinks he's a talented thai boxer when in faAnd ct he's just a fat fuck with a weight problem and a lot of momentum.

 

I really need a job but am not being successful in my search. I think they'd rather hire younger studetns at £1.50 an hour less with no experience than hire me. The SWINES!

Ill find something.. even if it's factory work.

 

Why do people say that northerners are more friendly? It's simply not true... yes they're more likely to talk to you in the street or bar, but that's it... they're also more likely to stove your head in with the prosthetic limb of a homeless person.  Personally I don't really like strangers coming upto me and talking randomly. Down south we call them "Nutters" and avoid them. Maybe it hasn't crossed their sad little, reality tv fed mind that I have better things to do than have to listen to some crud about their neighbours (in a an accent which makes them sound fucking dense as diamond) and their new dog.

Stupid fucking people.

 

Manchester is a shithole. Anyone who says any different is either blind, lying or some wino who enjoy his lifestyle.

 

Yes I'm feeling grumpy.

Might have to watch some Bill Bailey.

 

Greetings my friends and avid readers of the Adventures of Wongle (And his trusty sidekick Floggin)!

I have of late, been out of touch and away from any internet connection due to moving to University in Manchester. Which, to be fair, is a frickkin mental place.

But fear not for i have, as you may by now have noticed, purchased a laptop and am back on the web! Hurrah!

 

Thus far I've been out several times, failed to get a job, enroled succesfully, destroyed my sleep pattern and have not yet been mugged.

 

There has been a distinct lack of fencing this week while the club gets its act together and i get the courage to try and find the stockport club.

 

Taking up Muay-Thai Boxing in the meantime. Which, considering where I live, is a bloody good idea.

 

I'm really looking forward to strating my course ( a whole 13 hours of lectures a week) and it consists of working with 15 ladies and 3 blokes.

Ideal.

 

Well, there's my brief update... i now have to do exciting things like reply to a weeks worth of email and set up msn messenger all over again. Whoop! Fun and games.

Til the next exciting update.. and some pictures too... and a big hello to the lovely Karen M (if you're still reading this tripe).

 

Love, peace and a large novelty monkey to you all.

The Johnny

Once upon a time Wongle was sitting in his office, wearing his hat and contemplaing his move to the city. Life here was tough for a mongoose and he'd been making what cash he could as a Private Eye. He been down on his luck he had to admit. In the past month he'd only had two lost cats to find and a missing aardvark which liked to wear towel dressing gowns. The aardvark was friendly at least and in time they had got to know each other and had started working together. Unfortunately his partner had gone missing three days ago on an assignment in the Black Forest.

The Black Forest.. a dangerous part of town it was. An enormous industrial sector of the city which almost exclusively produced Desserts for catering businesses. Floggin ('twas the aardvarks name) had headed down there leaving only a note on Wongles desk saying he was onto something big and he hadn't seen or heard from him since.

Wongle opened his desk drawer and took out a bottle of scotch, opened it, poured some on a cloth and cleaned his large magnifying glass.

"I'd like to see the ant which can get past me on a hot day.." he muttered.

Slipping the magnifying glass into his drawer and the scotch into some sort of bottomless pocket of his PI's trenchcoat (mongoose size of course) he decided enough was enough and headed out of his office and caught the late night bus down to the Black Forest.

 

The rain was coming down in a steady fashion as he stepped off the last bus into the deserted street. The streetlights flickered as he scampered past them. It was late and bytbhe sounds of the factories the night shifts were all hard at work.

Wongle lurked under the cover of an archway and pondered the whereabouts of his aadvark colleague. He lit up a cigarette, he didn't smoke it, just held it for effect... the smoke curled up into the rain and his eyes followed up to the billboard.

Of course... the chocolate ant factory.

 

Wongle came to the main gate entrance, there was an armed watchman outside wearing a soaking poncho looking irritable and violent. Without further ado our hero went straight through the perimiter netting like a mongoose through a fence.

 

Coming up to the main building Wongle climbed onto some crates and gained access to the roof with ease. Looking through the skylight and feeling rather damp he could see an automated chocolate ant productionline and several workers. No aardvark though. Hmmm.

He thought he'd go in for a closer look to see what they were saying... into the airducts he went and then.. he saw it... a cigar butt in the airduct ahead of him.

It was Floggin's brand. Wongle was onto something.

 

Wongle headed down the ducts until he came to a grate above an office. There were some people talking.. this is what he heard:

"Well I don't know where he came from.. it's not exactly a normal thing to happen is it?"

"True enough, although there was this time in Bulgaria when my cousin was bitten by an aardwolf."

"Oh shut up..."

"No really... they don't let go you know... not unless you stick your thumb up their bu.."

"QUIET!!! ALL OF YOU!" squeeked (very loudly) a familiar and somewhat surprising voice... "THE AARDVARK MUST DIE.. HE HAS DISCOVERED OUR SECRET TO DESTROY THE FRINGE THEATRE. TAKE HIM TO THE GATEAU PREPARATION PLACE."

Wongle was shocked for as the people moved aside he saw his old (and previously thought dead) nemisis: TOSSBAG.

Ok he didn't look too well as he was mostly in an Iron Lung which had a kinda Stephen Hawkings look to it and it also looked like he hadn't quite removed a rubiks cube from his mouth... but it was definitely Tossbag.

"Dammit." Thought Wongle, "I better find Floggin quickly and come back to finish this moron once and for all."

He scampered down the air ducts following the voices of the henchmen of Tossbag until they came to a door which they unlocked. Just as they opened it (and Wongle was preparing to throw a bottle of scotch over the henchmen)

"But what if it was an african aardwolf... them being migratory and all...."

a small black dressing gown covered both guards heads and an aardvark shaped object took the momentarily blinded guards by suprise and kicked them squarely in the groin. They dropped like lemons off the back of a turtle. (yes they bloody well did.. remember this is my story and I'll use any loose phrasing of words i like:P ) anyway... jsut so happens that wongle was just pouring the scotch down the grate when the aardvark had taken out the henchmen and so poor old Floggin got covered in perfectly good scotch.

"Oops." said Wongle and dropped out the duct in front of his pal.

"Oy... what's that for?" asked Floggin looking a bit narked as his picked up his dressing gown and donned it, rubbing most of the booze into it.

"sorry... you're lucky i didn't set fire to you."

"ah well... at least i smell like my old mum." And Floggins eye went hazy and back to his childhood...

"Oy... Tossbag's here and he's got another stupid plan to destroy the Fringe again... I guess you know this. Want to fill me in?"

"Hmmm? Oh sure... let's walk and talk.. we'll take the air ducts."

 

So after a fair bit of scrabbling around (watching a mongoose and an aardvark that smells like scotch climb into an overhead air duct is fairly amusing.. picture it for a second and then I'll continue....... ok....)

Floggin led the way through the ducts.

"Right, here's the details. Tossbag, your old mate, has decided that he can destroy the Fringe Theatre by creating an army of huge chocolate ants."

"Nutter."

"Right. But he's found a way to keep these ants in suspended animation whilst they're covered in chocolate."

"Ok so we blow the facility.. no probs."

"Yep.. that's a start but these aren't the only ones he's got. He got his mangled little robotic paw into the whole of the Balck Forest. He's been stockpiling them for ages. COme the summer (when the chocolate melts) the Fringe are in for a nasty shock! These are specially genetiaclly modifed soldier ants and all totally loyal to Tossbag."

"Damn the RSC!" Swore Wongle..." Hey, weren't you supposed to be looking for a lost cat? I mean who's paying us for this?"

"I dunno... smoke a fag in an alleyway and maybe someone will endorse us or something."

"Are you drunk?"

"Well, I've only got a small metabolsim and I've taken in half a bottle of scotch via osmosis."

"Fair enough... got any explosives?"

"No need.. we'll set off the self-destruct mechanism... I presume he's built one into his empire."

"Ok.. then we'll head back to the office and see what we can do about the rest of this ant army."

"Right."

 

So Wongle and Floggin heade off and blew the cack out of most of the Black Forest Industrial Estate, regrettably also taking with it most of the lost cats they were also looking for... but they made plenty of money from the local kebab shop when they took in the remains.

 

3 weeks went by.

"What are we going to do then? The weather's getting warmer and we've still got nothing." worried Floggin.. he started to play with the cord on his dressing gown. Absent mindedly he picked up Wongles magnifying glass and started to polish it.

"Floggin old chap I think I've got an idea. Come with me."

 

24 hours later Wongle walked out of Specsavers with an enormous package, about the size of a car. Floggin followed behind.

"Ok so now what?" Floggin asked.

"Take this to the highest building in the city and wait for me there. I've jsut got to go and buy a rubiks cube."

(now just for a moment, imagine a mongoose hadnign a large package the size of a car to an aardvark in your local high street. And tlaking of course.... ok....)

 

So on the top of the highest building in the city we find our heros and a large object the size of an average car covered with a blanket.

"Now what?" asked Floggin

"free your mind" Replied Wongle and began to run towards the edge of the building...

"Oy! Oy! OY!" screamed Floggin and grabbed the mongoose by the scruf... "What do ya think this is? The Matrix?"

"Sorry.. got caught in the moment there... all we have to do now is wait. It's supposed to be the hottest day of the year today. I think Tossbag will make his move at midday. And we'll use his weapon against him. Heh heh heh" He chuckled.

"Whatever you say Wongle." saif Floggin as he cracked open a beer and started playing with the rubiks cube.

"Careful with that thing... it's been modified."

"What the beer?"

"No."

"Oh."

 

 

At Midday sure enough there was a huge noise from the Black Forest Industrial Estate as Tossbag annouinced his intentions to destroy the fringe theatre and possibly the rest of the world with his army of ants. And the ammassed army of Ants marched along the tarmac... but just as they came to the entrance of the estate a huge beam of blinding white light shot down from the tallest building in the city! It burnt it's way through all the ants leaving a crackling noise and a nasty smell of burnt chocolate in the air.

Tossbags rants of insane rage could be heard over his PA.

"Ha Ha!" Laughed Floggin hanging off the enormous magnifying glass which had recently burnt the whole of Tossbags ant army to a rather messy caramalised mess.

"Not bad eh?" Chorlted Wongle, swigging a beer "but there's still something left to do... hang on a second."

 

No sooner said than done there was a roaring sound and Tossbags jetpowered ironlung rocketed up to the top of the building where our heros were camped.

"You! You! YOU!!!! AAAARRRRRGHGHGHGHGHG!!!" ranted Tossbag

"Sorry?" asked Wongle

"ARARAGGAGAGGGGGGHHHH!!!"

"I beg your pardon?" said Floggin

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEE!!!" screamed Tossbag firing rockets at the magnifying glass.

Wongle and Floggin jumped out of the way just in time as the glass shattered into millions of razor sharp pieces.

Floggin whipped off his dressing gown and pranced around like a bullfighter using his gown like a cape.

Tossbag turned his full attention onto him giving Wongle the chance to nip onto the back of the ironlung and slapped the rubiks cube onto the viewing section of the ironlung.

"WTF?" screamed Tossbag

"Peg it!" Yelled Wongle diving for cover.

Floggin ducked behind the nearest piece of masonry as the rubiks cube exploded blowing the ironlung into shards of flaming death and smoke.

 

Once the smoke had cleared Wongle and Tossbag came out of cover and surveyed the scene. It wasn't pretty... bits of iron lung and rubiks cube were strewn across the blackend building top. The beer cans had been pierced...

"Whoa." Said Floggin.

"Who thinks they're in the Matrix now?"

"I wanna get downto those ants... I'm hungry..."

"We'll get some beer on the way."

"Good work."

"Yeah."

"Hae we paid the rent?"

"Nope."

"Dammit."

 

And they lived happily ever after....

Wongle and Floggin will return in "Wongle where's my Car?"